Flyover

updates

leaving on the day after tomorrow, 11:35 pm. and, havent packed a thing. and, i’ll be shifting to a GSM cellphone, and so would not be able to transfer all my contacts from my CDMA handset.

2010: 02/07
CATEGORY: Life in General
Write comment

an old pic

i just found this old pic somewhere. of tipu mainly, and me and mom. felt like sharing it.

2010: 02/01
CATEGORY: family
1 comment

i am afraid of being defeated again. and this time, i think it’s likely. i don’t trust myself to be good again. i don’t consider myself capable of being the best anymore. i guess it’s just something all of us go through.. including me, usually every few months. but it’s just that… i want to be superlative, i have always wanted to be, but i don’t want it hard enough anymore. even though i feel more capable of taking my own lead. i am less of a conformist. or rather, i have discovered that being a non-conformist is not so non-conformist anymore. there are people pushing, many of them, not conforming to the norms. it seems i was too weak to be a pioneer, but now that i realize that several people are already leading the way beyond the norms, i can push too. i don’t know what’s wrong then. maybe i need eureka moments. i suppose the solution is pushing really hard to get those eureka moments, and then letting those moments fuel the drive. i don’t know.

but i don’t want to be weak. i just can’t bear to be weak. and i know i am not strong enough.

2010: 02/01
CATEGORY: Life in General
Write comment

annual crisis

mentally: i don’t doubt my ability to think, but i feel i do not have that command over my mind anymore, that single minded focus to solve the problem. that absolute need to do it. i do feel the need, but it’s like some vague unsettled feeling at the back of my mind, not the desperate drive. though i am starting to feel desperate now that i am talking about it. and i know i HAVE to solve the current problem, to be able to look myself in the eye.

physically: i feel bad, confused. ever since i met that doc. it’s just not ok. i feel excessively uncomfortable. i am losing it.

socially: it all seems so insignificant in the face of the two above mentioned problems. but generally, not a very satisfying situation at present. and i think i need to cut myself off a bit. give myself some quality time.

academically: worried. very worried. i don’t want to be a loser. i hate losing. and, again? no way. though i have no confidence over my academic prowess at present. i feel i know nothing. and i hope this would get ok, once i am finished. but it’s daunting. and it’s somewhat depressing too. i was hardly confident i chose the right thing, and now i am unable to cope with the thing i chose.