Flyover

8:00 am. on way to clg behind mumma on kini. (cycle’s front tyre is sort of fuss). we take a turn, and there is a biker coming from wrong side, and a head on collision. the scooter gets totally dented, mumma falls, i fall on top of her. she gets many bruises and abrasions. and a major fracture in her right wrist. doc says will take 3 months to heal, and there is quite a lot of chance that it might not heal at all, then there will be all that operation and rod stuff. its so scary when your parents have health problems. so scary. it feels like shit. i feel guilty abt falling on top of her. i am not injured, just a muscle cramp, broken floaters, and a low intensity, dull, aching pain in the region of the sternum and the left half of the rib cage.

then on top of that, all my ego clashes with my brother. he has a problem with everything i do, i just reciprocate the sentiments.

then, well, someone is angry at me, like always.

dp has something against me. i dont know why. maybe it started the first day, when i said something to the effect that i did not want to be like him. as in, i do want to be a good doc like him (despite everything, i dunno why, but i really respect him, and sort of understand him at a personal level) but not a workaholic (which i actually am becoming, maybe). but somehow, he always has faults to find with me. initially he used to try and take my opinions in a liberal manner, but i guess he has had enough.

the class’s rep to the administration. his/her job is to get approvals for different sorts of things, supervising official money collections, making requests on behalf of the class. its disgusting how they have made it a cr’s duty to make sure everybody is enjoying at a class dance party (height of stupidity), motivating all for an unofficial party, managing everybody’s accounts on a partly official class trip… not my job actually.

my rock band. am the keyboard player, rarely the vocalist too. not very good at either. i lack the kind of spunk and khapp-paofy ability you require in a rock band’s vocalist. and i have never had any training in keyboard playing, so apart from a decent natural sense of music, i dont have any abilities. though i plan to start training soon. otherwise, my band members are real greats. genius people. really really good. and i cant tell the kind of pleasure i get out of our practice sessions (and concerts)… i mean, however hectic life may be at that point of time, but its just so good. so perfect an outlet… the beating music, its like a total flush. something rises in you, an ethereal experience. not just empty words. its really that… so full of passion. i love it. one of the greatest pleasures of my life, probably the greatest.

so i havent been blogging of late. actually, there is nothing to blog about or maybe too much to blog about. i feel quite low actually. i mean, i am not THAT busy or something. i am, but, busy in a different sense. busy coz of pressure, not coz of work. i feel dulled, my philosophical self is getting dulled. my intellectual self is getting dulled. and my emotional self is getting dulled too. spiritually, i just want to relax for a while, unwind, and have my life completely to myself like in +1,+2, of my own design. i have become a social pariah, though in a fundamentally different sense than till 9th… i feel confused, i cant make sense of anything, i cant think. i get guilty the moment i am free. my existence has become a race, a race to get into john hopkins, which i know i still wont manage, and yet i am not doing enough for it. and on top of everything i do for anyone, i get blamed. i dont know, but i would like to be at least appreciated. i feel hollow again, like i used to. unsatisfied, unsaturated, a feeling i had lost the last yr. maybe i need exams again, the pressure of work again. and i need my band, i need music, so badly.

finally, after all the chakkars, ghanchakkars, frusty-hood, finally, we are going to pulse (16 to 22). AND officially. we’ll go on 15 evening. and back on 22. yippee. though i’ll have to go back on 19th morning and be back to delhi in evening for a clg fn, along with 15 others approx. but what the heck!!!

“Do me a favour please? Shut the f*** up.”

well i have been commuting to and from clg on my red hero dtb, with a smile on my red face, the only thing lacking is a red chaddi on my trousers. sorry for the pj. but the point is, its so awesome. one, i get to exercise. two, its an amazing style statement. three, its environmentally friendly. four, if a teacher sees me on my cycle my chances of a disti this prof shall increase. (btw, i got 69% last prof, no distis )

and for the past 2-3 days, i have been sleeping a lot, watching a lot of soaps on disney channel, and getting scolded by r(d)b and bhau. rb got really angry when we went to him with a request for permission to go to pulse. he ended with: ‘kalyani, talk some sense, or i’ll have to talk to your parents.’ no big deal as such. but big deal when your princi gets so personal. as for bhau, he’s going to kill me tomorrow. poor me, unfortunate cr-ship.

and now its time again to force myself to be busy… good bye guys!