Flyover

in absolutely zero mood to study. finals after sent ups are a big pain. plus i am speculating about things AND possibly over-reacting, placing me at the risk of bursting a vessel.

but i love pharma. especially thanks to the kaplan-lectures. they create sense out of everything. thanks ankur!!

though in general, i hate being limited to medicine. i want to do more. can you imagine i couldnt take simple limits for some equation, yesterday? and my neighbour created a car, a proper formula one car, and thats so cool!

what a weirdo night. and, that was gross.

very nice exam today. i didnt know much, but wrote all sorts of stories, and wrote excellent stories. deeply satisfying.

and i was sitting right behind aayush. so he asked me a few questions, and with my inexperience, i “announced” the answers. finally, the examiners sent aayush to a different seat. its extremely frustrating when you are running out of time and you have to move ALL the stuff (a million pens, sketch pens, sheets, and in his case- a water bottle) to a different seat. and then one of the examiners came to me and remarked that she was shocked that I was cheating.

filling out visa forms is bloody frustrating.

i love exams. i seriously do. all the sleepless nights and stress. it’s great to know how much you can do in stress. and all my learning is done during exams. so they are intellectually satisfying too.

majority of boys, at least upto 3 years plus my age, are shockingly underdeveloped. case in point: brother, friends.

i drank today… and my reasons are not entirely clear to me. i mean, i am anti alcohol. even though i have “tasted” it a few times. today it was slightly more than half a bottle of beer. hardly anything. but it feels kind of weird. not the drinking thing. the reason behind drinking. i wanted to like it.

i told my dad about it. though i said i drank 1/3rd.

tipu is coming in a couple of days. and i feel happy and excited.

though i know what’s going to happen… we’ll fight, get angry, be happy to separate, and then call each other and chat when he’s away, and look forward to meeting again.

when he would teach me how to use paint, save a file and play cats, prince and mario

when we would form teams, and ‘fight’, in the ‘dukaan’

when we would divide the bed into two, and kick/slap hard if the other happened to cross the line (only to discover in the morning, that we had been moving around like hands in a clock)

when we would play the smother-game

when we would play the soft-drink game at weddings (i always won), followed by hand cricket with balloons

when we would play thumb wrestling

when we would play arm wrestling, me using both my arms, and still losing decisively

when we would have those rare conversational moments during weddings, while eating

when we would enact scenes from our favourite movies

when i would be desperate to play with him and his friends

when we would swim together, in seas, in rivers… and dive from cliffs

when he would train me on taking the cows to their feed, and instruct me to not leave the rope when the cows would begin to run

when he would give me company during the last stretch of the race, and run with me, because i had lost all hope

when he would fix the cycle for me, and smile for me when i finished well

when i would make diagrams in his practical files, a day before his
exams

when he would take a lift on our way to school and leave me alone

when me, him and mummy would sit together to solve MAT problems

when we would go cycling on winter mornings

when he would cycle with me while i ran and egg me on

when i would cycle with him while he ran (usually)

when we would both go running, and i would give up and he would keep pushing me, eventually giving up on me

when he would make my practical files, while i read LotR

when he would try to hide the results from me, because he knew i would be devastated

when he would be happy for me

when he would give up his commitments because i was scared, and i needed him

when he would get late for college, because he had to drop me first

when he would teach me math, and semi conductors

when he would pick me up from college, on a bike

when he would play nfs with me (i always won in this one too)

when he would come to me and say sorry whenever he hurt me

when we didnt talk for months after a fight, and he gently tried to talk

when we would squabble over net

when we would squabble over tv

when we would squabble over who gets to drive… and we would divide our kilometres on the highways

when he would scold me for not maintaining the car

when he would be the over protective big bro, messing up my social life

when he would give me his second hand tshirts, and try to pass them off as stuff he got especially for me

when we would go shopping and discuss fashion

when he would push harder and harder and make me swell with pride

when he would feel proud of me

when do we remember our friends the most?

i do, when i am happy. and i need to share this happiness with someone.
or when i am sad suddenly.

but when we have relatively long sad phases, many of us (including self) try to avoid friends. perhaps because prolonged sadness alienates friends, and usually there is nothing anyone can do about the cause of your sadness. you have to get over it yourself.

and no, i ain’t sad. it’s just something i happened to be thinking of.

and while you are at it, solve the monty hall problem, courtesy sandeep.

and while i am at it, it’s nice being friends with sandeep.

seeking help from someone is an extremely, extremely private act. its like you are exposing yourself to that person and making yourself vulnerable. and if you take the huge step of seeking help, that means you trust the person, really like her, and want to strengthen the friendship. and that person might be nice enough to help you, furthering your belief that she is friendship-worthy.

but this personal act of seeking help demands reciprocation. you have to know that that person likes you too. if that other person never seeks YOUR help, or shares her personal life with you in some other way, you lose your ability to share with her. and you have this huge mental block. that person becomes unapproachable, unavailable. you may still like that person, but this time, there is a conversion from friends to acquaintances.

i am retracting, again. this time in crisis. i feel as if i have no RIGHT to talk to anyone. to be friendly with anyone. unless it’s just an acquaintance. and it’s the other person’s initiative. the only thing i thought i had, i am not sure i have it anymore. and without that, i am nothing. i have nothing to give. if i am friends with someone, it has to be give and take. it cannot be just ‘take’, coz then, one day, the friendship would end in bitterness. and so, i am hiding. to avoid situations where i take something… because unless there IS a ‘me’, i cant give anything.

i, for one, am in complete fulltu diwali mood, despite the exam season… gorging on chocolates and stuff.

4 yrs back on diwali, 4 nov, 2005, tuesday… i went on a 5.6 km jog between 6 and 7 am, and when i got back there was a pus filled lesion slightly lateral to the middle of my upper lip. it swelled up big time and left a huge scar which is still there as big as ever, with visible remnant hardened pus beneath a thick skin… unfortunately, this diwali i again had a similar lesion slightly lateral to the previous one. painful and big. and pus filled…
do you think i have herpes?

the weird thing is… both times i got this lesion, i was thinking abt the same thing…